I thought when we had lunch that you would show some remorse for your actions over the past months or at least express some sorrow over the loss of your father. You showed neither. Instead, your entire conversation appeared to consciously avoid these subjects. I couldn't escape the feeling that nothing would change; you were still--and would remain--without feeling toward my situation or your father's death.
Let me fill you in on some of the details of a part of my life.
I am grateful to you and everyone else who helped and supported me during my hospital stay. Unfortunately I was for the most part not aware of what was happening. I had doctors and nurses and medical care...that's what I knew. I also know that when I finally came home it was your father who suffered the greatest impact from my sickness. According to the doctors, my illness and the sudden death of your father was a great deal more than the average person's body can withstand. They were unaware that I had to endure your unwarranted behavior along with this. They would have better understood my continued medical problem had they known about you. I was foolish not to have told them.
For 58 years your father and I had been together helping and supporting each other through a multitude of difficult situations. We had never burdened our children or anyone else with our problems. Now, suddenly, I found myself all alone!! For the first time in my life I was in dire need of help and support to get me through this enormously difficult time.
With my sister so sick there was a shortage of support for me.....she needed lots of help. The family did for me everything that time would allow . My friends were my invaluable support system and Joseph stayed with me for almost 2 weeks returning almost every weekend for an indefinite period of time. My appreciation is endless for all of the love and caring bestowed on me when I needed it most. Nevertheless, nothing alters the fact that my whole life has changed forever.
For 61/2 months, because of the embarrassment public knowledge concerning you would have caused me, I guarded your actions from all ears....now I know that for me this was wrong. I have finally come to the realization that my well being is dependent on releasing my emotions and clearing my mind. I can't live with this "closet" secret any more. I have to be able to sleep and I have to be able to eat but both have evaded me. I know that nobody can help me heal until I resolve within myself this terrible hurt that you dealt to me ... then and not until then can I go on with my life unencumbered and unafraid.
Like it or not, your father was Jewish and proud of it. You are not required to believe in Judaism or any other religion. However, there is a big difference between not believing in something and not respecting those who do. I appreciated each Mass card I received, donated by so many friends from so many church denominations, to provide eternal prayers for your father. I appreciated my Christian friends who participated in the Jewish memorial services held in my home. You opened the prayer book but never uttered one word ....this display was far beyond my comprehension.
At this time we both know that we are not living in the 1980's!! My grandchildren are grown and capable of making their own decisions .... my husband is dead. Nothing is important to me anymore so there can never be another reason to be hurt again.
I was too old then for your hostility and you were too old to engage in this behavior. Now I am much too old for your hostility and now you are much too old for your behavior. When you disagree with your children's opinions or behavior you are prone to say "I'm too old to put up with their actions". That may be true and you may believe it, but you apply it only to you.
Your father was dead when I buried him; I was barely alive. Somehow, for unknown reasons, I was left with a spark of life. It is my hope that this will allow me to live my remaining time in peace.
A word to the wise: If you continue this uncontrolled anger and hostility towards all who don't suit you for one reason or another and don't start realizing that everyone has a right to an opinion and a right to live their own life you will end up the loneliest person in this world.
There is nothing that takes the place of the warmth of family, friends and acquaintances ..... "things" won't do it ..... people is what life is all about!!!!!
If you choose to want to discuss lunch give me a call. Please understand that I do not have the strength to deal any longer with the hostitlity that you have shown toward me and the other members of our family. I would like to have lunch with you but only if you are open to my comments in this e-mail. If you are still interested give me a call.